Something’s Gotta Give

Last week was a doozy. I’ve had a lot (ok, too much) on my plate lately, and it all culminated in a breakdown in my health last week. I got hit with a nasty virus late Wednesday night and it kept me pretty much comatose on the couch the whole weekend.  And sure, I could say, “Oh everyone gets sick, it’s not a big deal, just take some DayQuil and get on with it.” But I think there’s more to it. I think my body is trying to tell me, “You’re trying to do too much.”

This is my life. This is what I do. I push myself to the limit, load my plate heaping high, and ultimately crash and burn. Usually physically, sometimes mentally. You’d think I would learn from this mistake. You’d think.

(You know what they say: insanity is repeated behavior, expecting different results.)

I genuinely do not have enough hours in the day to accomplish all I want to accomplish. And don’t give me that “You-Have-As-Many-Hours-In-The-Day-As-Beyonce-Does” bullsh*t, because I guarantee Queen B has got many assistants helping her out. I start to let sleep slip in order to get more done. I stay up later, wake up earlier, and run around all hours in between like a chicken with my head cut off.

Ultimately it comes down to the weighing of the scales. Which is more important: doing all the things, all of which bring me joy and fulfillment, or my health and mental sanity? I know what you’re thinking. I’m thinking it too. Your wellness comes first woman! I’d give any girlfriend that solid piece of advice. Except I like to think I’m different.

When faced with my own limitations I am a total ostrich, sticking my head in the sand. I am like a toddler throwing a temper tantrum, stomping about, screaming, “BUT I WANT IT ALL.” And I do. Want it all.

This is what stops me short every time I think I’m ready to have a child. My sheer stubbornness and refusal to accept my limitations. My refusal to prioritize leaves me spread too thin, and I ultimately crash in a blazing fury.

My problem is saying no; not to others, but to myself. My usual reaction when I hear the word “no” is to find a way around it. A way to turn that no into a yes. I pride myself on this characteristic, this unrelenting will to go after what I want. But you see, it bites me when it comes to my own life. I want all the things, so I say yes yes yes! Coffee date? Yes! Dinner on a Tuesday night? Yes! Yes to squeezing in a quick lunch! Yes to 6am workouts, and late night blog work, and weekend bridal showers, and it never stops. There is no break. And while that may be fine from time to time, it is most certainly not sustainable long-term.

What’s my point here? I don’t really know. I greedily don’t want to give up any of the activities I enjoy for the sake of my health, but I fear there is no other option. I’m going to have to pull back in some areas and be gentle with myself. This new job is requiring 90% of my time, and I think instead of trying to squeeze everything else I like doing into that last tiny 10%, I will have to cut back on some activities. Slow down. Take a few pit stops.

It’s like what Richard Simmons says, “If your oxygen mask drops down, it’s time to take a breather.”

I hope you have some relaxing time this weekend. I’m going to try my best.